Interview With Satan

Interviewer Thank you for your time.
Satan: Not a problem. I am here to please. Is there anything you want?

Interviewer No, I just want to do an interview. Tell me, what makes you happy.
Satan: Nothing makes me happy, but what gives me the most pleasure is war. War is my finest work. War is the pinnacle of my success. All that killing, all that violence, the pain, the anguish. I love it. You look a bit tired. Want a little pick-me-up? I have a pill here that will make you feel great.

Interviewer No thank you, I do not want a pill. I want to know, do you start wars or do you cause them?
Satan: I can do both. I just get into the head and heart of a few people and let human nature take its course. People are weak. So to start a war, all I have to do is exploit a weakness, and eventually, bombs away! Say, I know you are lonely. I have a special person that wants to meet you. She's a beauty. She'll meet your every need. Would you like to see her?

Interviewer No, thank you. I am happily married.
Satan: Yes, but your marriage isn't perfect, is it?

Interviewer My marriage is perfect enough. We love each other. We are both Christians. We have a calm and serene life together. We are happy with each other. Let's get back to the interview. Who is Jesus Christ?
Satan: Well, the question is not who he "is" because he "isn't" if you get my drift. He was a guy that lived a long time ago, didn't play his cards right, and was executed because he did not want to play ball with the people in authority around him. They crucified the guy. That was that. You sure look tired. Have you been working a lot of hours lately?

Interviewer Yes, but let's move on. Wasn't Christ the Son of God?
Satan: No, no, no. He was just a guy. Just a man. No one special. You have a lot of myths about him but he was just a man. Listen. You need to take the edge off. I have some weed here. How about a joint? After you smoke some of this stuff, you won't be tired or worried. You don't look good. You don't feel well do you? I'm trying to help you. Here, take a puff on this. Just one little puff.

Interviewer No, thank you. Didn't Christ come back from being dead three days?
Satan: Don't make me laugh. Let's get real here. He was just a guy. He died. Someone stole the body, reburied it, and started spinning tales. You are worried about your job aren't you? There have been a lot of layoffs lately. Wouldn't you like a more secure job?

Interviewer Sure, we all want job security.
Satan: Listen, let me help you. I know of a job opening and you fit the bill to a "T" except for the education. Now if you fib a little on your resume, I'll guarantee you a new job, with higher pay and more security. You will have a pension plan, mega benefits, eight weeks of vacation, and the job will challenge you to the max. Don't you think your family deserves better? Interested?

Interviewer No, I do not want to lie to get a job. I want to know how you get people to not believe in God.
Satan: I don't get people to do anything. I don't do anything to anyone except help people get what they want. I am here to help people. Listen, how would you like a new house? I can get you into a new home in two weeks. Fib a little on the mortgage app, and no problemo. You don't want to keep living in that dump you're in now do you?

Interviewer Thank you, but I do not want to lie on an application. Why do you keep trying to divert my attention away from the interview.
Satan: I just want to help you. You need a break. You need to slack off a little. Listen, here is some of the best scotch ever made. Let me pour you a drink and we'll finish up here.

Interviewer No, thank you. I do not drink.
Satan: You need to live a little. You need to loosen up. Here, take just a tiny sip. Just a taste. C'mon. Just one little sip isn't gonna hurt. Go on.

Interviewer No, thank you. I do not drink. I want to ask you again about how you get people not to believe in God. How do you do it?
Satan: I don't hinder anyone in anything. I am here to please. Can we get off this religion thing? Listen, you look like you have not eaten in a long time. I can tell you are hungry. How long has it been since you ate?

Interviewer Two days. I'm fasting. I fast on a regular basis to strengthen my will to do what God wants me to do.
Satan: Two days? Wow! You must be famished. You don't need to fast. This fasting idea is foolish. You need to get a grip. Look, here is a sizzling steak right off the grill with some fries. Smell that aroma? Look at those golden brown fries! Forget about this fasting thing. What good does it do? You're mouth is watering. I can tell. Go ahead. Take a bite.

Interviewer No, thank you. You said you love war.
Satan: Did I say that? No, I hate war. I try and stop wars. I love peace. You are worried about the future aren't you? Let me help you. I have an opportunity for you. It's a ground floor deal on a new company that has incredible potential. Their stock is going for only pennies now. In a year, I guarantee the stock will be worth thousands. You could be worth millions overnight.

Interviewer No, thank you. I would prefer to talk about you. Where did you come from?
Satan: I did not come from anywhere. I created myself.

Interviewer Why do people not see you for who your are? You kill them.
Satan: No, I don't kill anybody. I help people get what they want and need. I help them get what they want and need with no strings attached. You know, I know what you want. You want power don't you? You want control, don't you? You don't want to be helpless do you? You've been run over by people. People have really taken advantage of you haven't they? People have really kept you down. Remember all those times you were pushed aside or passed over? Remember how unfairly treated you have been? Let's even up things here. I have a way for you to take down all those people who have been unfair to you. Let's just say it is a way to really even the score. You want to even the score, don't you?

Interviewer No, I do not want to be helpless. And no thanks, let's let the score stand where it is.
Satan: OK, well let me tell you how to really plug into some power even when you say you don't want it. First of all, you are going to have to drop this religion thing. This religion thing is making you weak.

Interviewer How does my faith in God make me weak?
Satan: To really get the power you want, you need to learn to use people. You need to learn to help people get what they really want so you get what you want out of them. You know your accountant? He needs something. When you find out what he needs, you can own the guy.

Interviewer I don't want to own anybody. How does my faith in God make me weak?
Satan: Did I say that. I'm sorry. No, you just go on believing what you want to believe. But just look around. Look how far behind you are. All the people you graduated with are one hundred miles ahead of you. You have nothing. And right now you have a headache. And tomorrow, make sure you go to the doctor and get your checkup. You'll need it. Not only will you need a checkup, you'll need to make sure your health insurance and life insurance are paid up.

Interviewer You are going to make me sick and make me die aren't you?
Satan: No, don't be silly. I don't hurt anybody. I am here to help you. See, you are worried about getting sick and dying. So let me help you. I can help you stay alive for sixty or seventy more years.

Interviewer How?
Satan: You're going to have to loosen up. Live a little. Smoke a little weed, take a nip now and then. Stop by the sports bar on the way home from work. Loosen your grip on things and I can give you a lot more years.

Interviewer And if I don't loosen up, then what?
Satan: Well, you know those chest pains you've been having? When you get your checkup tomorrow, you are going to find out your ticker is in trouble. Now if you want to loosen up and live, you can go my way instead the way you are on now. Interested, aren't you? Make's sense, doesn't it? You know what I am telling you is the truth, don't you? You want to live or die? You want to die before your time?

Interviewer No, I do not want to die before my time.
Satan: OK, you just have to relax a little. Not a lot. Just a little. Here, take a little sip of this scotch.

Interviewer No, thank you.
Satan: Look, I'm the good guy here. I'm trying to help you. You know, you've accomplished very little in your life, brief as it will be. You drive a car that is ten years old, you live in a dump, your wife has to work to help support the family. Your kids are in day care. You have no fun. Show me, somewhere, somehow, that the way you live has some kind of payoff.

Interviewer My wife and I and my family are all happy. We love God with all our heart, all our might, and all our strength. Christ is our Savior. We have a church family who we love and who love us back. My payoff? I will live in Heaven forever when I die and so will my wife and children. And in the name of my Lord Jesus Christ, I command you to stop this harassment.
Satan: OK, I'm gone, but I will be in touch with you again. I am not done with you. Count on it.

Interviewer You may come back but you cannot take me away from my Lord.
Satan: We'll see.

James 4:7 Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. 8 Come near to God and he will come near to you. (NIV)