My Way

A letter from Mr. Iam Dead, a recently departed facetious person of lesser repute.

Dear Pastor,

Just wanted to let you know I died a few days ago and I went through my life review with The Judge. The way things came out, I definitely lived life my way. Yes, in my life, I did it all my way.

When I was young and healthy, I had premarital sex, two girls had babies, and I bragged about it to my buddies. I never had contact with the girls or the kids until the lawyers got me for the support and then I never saw the girls or the kids. In my life, I did it my way.

When I got married the first time, I ignored my wife in favor of what I wanted and needed. I put myself first all the time because my goal was to always take care of number one. My wife left me after a few years. Yes, I did it my way.

I got married again to another woman, she left me too. Same reasons, same scenario, same result. I did it my way.

I lived with a woman and had two kids with her. We never did get married. On the weekends, I liked to drink beer and go out with the guys. One of my sons was recently caught shoplifting. I did it my way.

I smoked a pack of cigarettes a day from the time I was fifteen. I recently died of lung cancer. The second boy I fathered to the last woman I lived with just graduated from high school without me being there. Not that he cared much because I never cared much for him. Yes, I did it my way.

I bounced around from one job to the next because I never bothered to get any formal education. Books and reading were not my style. I always went for the babes and beer. I never really had a career in anything because for me, there were other priorities than getting a job or growing into a career. Yes, I did it my way.

I used to joke about my sexual exploits in front of my two boys. Both of them took after me and they have fathered kids like I did but those kids were aborted. I did it my way.

Whenever the need arose I didn't mind lying or shading the truth. After all, most of the time no one found out. When someone did find out I usually weaseled my way out of it. Occasionally I would tell a whopper and I'd joke my way out of it. The woman and the boys would get embarrassed about it sometimes but they caught on and they started lying and shading the truth too. Yes, I did it my way.

Your church was around the corner from me. I remember you would stop by once in a while. You were a nice guy but I really didn't have much use for churches. Church and God always cramped my style because I always wanted to live life my way.

I had two paternity suits filed against me that I lost from the two kids I fathered when I was young. I tried to get out of paying the child support and I went on the road for awhile so they wouldn't know where I was but eventually I had to pay up because they found me. I never had contact with either of those kids. I found out through a friend of one of the mother's that one kid is in prison and another is a drug addict. Yes, I did it my way.

I did some jail time for public intox and shoplifting. Good thing they never found out what I really did. I will say one thing, I never murdered anybody. I hurt a few people by ripping off their stuff but I never murdered anybody. The way I figured it, if you were too dumb to protect your stuff, I could take it from you because you were too stupid to take care of it. Yes, I did it my way.

I had a lot scrapes in life. I had a lot of hard times. I hurt a few people and a few people hurt me. However, I didn't care who I hurt or how much I hurt them because they all deserved to get what they got. I learned that if you don't get them they will get you first so you got to be fast and live with a big fist. Everyone gets what they deserve in the end. I just hope now that I don't get what I deserve because I always wanted to do it my way.

This life review thing I just went through was not an easy thing to take. I was shown all the hurt I put on people. I got to experience the hurt, pain, and disappointment I inflicted on others. Now I'm sorry. Before, when I was alive in the body, I didn't care. Now I care. I don't know what The Judge will decide to do with me. I hope He goes easy. I've had to stand before many a judge in my life with all the scrapes I been in. I like the judge that will be lenient and bend the rules a little. A judge will give you a second chance sometimes. That is when I can get by with more stuff and not have to pay for what I did. The judge I like least is the kind that always goes by the book or by the law. With that kind, you always know you are going to really get what you really deserve.

If I have to stand before The Judge, I may not be able to get things to go my way. This Judge always wants people to do things His way. When I was alive in the body, I didn't care much for Him. Now I see things differently. Problem is that now may be too late. Maybe you could circulate this letter around to other people who want to do things their way instead of His way. My life would have been a lot better if I had not always wanted to do everything my way.

Your neighbor,

Mr. Iam Dead